is my birthday..i should be happy..but i ended up being angry and sad

today is my birthday..
usually for everyone this is the best day of thier lifes..
but..
not for me..
birthdays to me are fun...but i always ended up being miserable and frustrated..
a few days ago,i planned to go out with my friends to jj to celebrate..
i was excited and eager to go..
i checked with my friends today..
to see whether they agree to go..
some of them say yes while others say no..
thier excuse no money,no time,lazy and etc..
i was mad of course but i didnt force them..
is not right to control the will of your own friends..
so i asked my other friends..
'he'and his friends agreed to go..
i asked shorte and his gangs next..
i was planning to do next monday then sunday cause is expensive..
thier answer...no..
i didnt really cared no more..
it was damn boring today at class..
i ended up being lonely..
timberland and lv didnt come due to their problems at home..
i wish they came...it didnt felt right without them..
recess time was my happy time..
i met up with 'him' and his friends which i usually do..
i got many wishes of happy birthday..it was great..
but all words and no gifts..lol
ok..am being selfish on that part..
i got some gifts from billabong and wendy..
that was my first gifts from my friens i ever had in my life till now..
i was happy..
but when time pulls..
i slowly sinked..
i felt miserable..it was wrong..
i supposed to be happy on this very day..instead it was replaced by sadness and anger..
i feel that i became a zombie again..no espression..
i can feel that my eyes turned flat black..
after school..i walk down the stairs till i saw shorte and the gang..
i say hei then i heard that they were planning yh birthday next week..
that made me really mad..i know that i being selfish yet again..
i was jealous of her and the way they treated her..
i wanted to shout
but i cant help it..
i felt as though i held no importance toward them and my friends..
i was hurt....badly..
i nearly cried but i held back those tears..
i dont want to cry infront of my friends..
whywhywhywhy
i kept on asking this to my self..
i know that i shouldnt expect anything from them but i cant hep myself..
i was really happy yesterday and now it broke my heart yet again..
that is why i hate this day...it never changed..
every year on this occasion i ended up crying..
i wanted this year to be different but that was just an illusion..
i was glad that edwin was with me on that time..
he kinda comfort me a little..i felt comfortable
but..when he went home i return to my zombie mode..
is a good thing GOD had given my cousin who care about me and love me..
and some of my friends..
i want this year on my birthday to be happy..
cant i ever had something simple then that??
i just want to have my closest friends to celebrate for me??
pls i just want this year to be more different and happy..
not like those past year full with agony and anger..
can i??
is it too much too asked??

LE SPORTSAC