is my birthday..i should be happy..but i ended up being angry and sad

today is my birthday..
usually for everyone this is the best day of thier lifes..
but..
not for me..
birthdays to me are fun...but i always ended up being miserable and frustrated..
a few days ago,i planned to go out with my friends to jj to celebrate..
i was excited and eager to go..
i checked with my friends today..
to see whether they agree to go..
some of them say yes while others say no..
thier excuse no money,no time,lazy and etc..
i was mad of course but i didnt force them..
is not right to control the will of your own friends..
so i asked my other friends..
'he'and his friends agreed to go..
i asked shorte and his gangs next..
i was planning to do next monday then sunday cause is expensive..
thier answer...no..
i didnt really cared no more..
it was damn boring today at class..
i ended up being lonely..
timberland and lv didnt come due to their problems at home..
i wish they came...it didnt felt right without them..
recess time was my happy time..
i met up with 'him' and his friends which i usually do..
i got many wishes of happy birthday..it was great..
but all words and no gifts..lol
ok..am being selfish on that part..
i got some gifts from billabong and wendy..
that was my first gifts from my friens i ever had in my life till now..
i was happy..
but when time pulls..
i slowly sinked..
i felt miserable..it was wrong..
i supposed to be happy on this very day..instead it was replaced by sadness and anger..
i feel that i became a zombie again..no espression..
i can feel that my eyes turned flat black..
after school..i walk down the stairs till i saw shorte and the gang..
i say hei then i heard that they were planning yh birthday next week..
that made me really mad..i know that i being selfish yet again..
i was jealous of her and the way they treated her..
i wanted to shout
but i cant help it..
i felt as though i held no importance toward them and my friends..
i was hurt....badly..
i nearly cried but i held back those tears..
i dont want to cry infront of my friends..
whywhywhywhy
i kept on asking this to my self..
i know that i shouldnt expect anything from them but i cant hep myself..
i was really happy yesterday and now it broke my heart yet again..
that is why i hate this day...it never changed..
every year on this occasion i ended up crying..
i wanted this year to be different but that was just an illusion..
i was glad that edwin was with me on that time..
he kinda comfort me a little..i felt comfortable
but..when he went home i return to my zombie mode..
is a good thing GOD had given my cousin who care about me and love me..
and some of my friends..
i want this year on my birthday to be happy..
cant i ever had something simple then that??
i just want to have my closest friends to celebrate for me??
pls i just want this year to be more different and happy..
not like those past year full with agony and anger..
can i??
is it too much too asked??

LE SPORTSAC

My iPod false...

Almost finish this one week holiday...
I didn't do something,in this week...
I also didn't online,I also spoiled my mobilephone this week,
With some reason,
I am lonely...
With some reason,
I was boring...
No mood for me in this week,
I promise le sportsac that I will post a new blog in this week,but I just post it today...
I can't online everyday for posting it, because...
My iPod not with me,
I just can borrow my dad iPhone for a quick post...
So not that I don't want to post up,just because I can't,
I will continue post up everyweek twice,
When my iPod is back...
Ok?!

Timberland

My Bad Attitude

i realize that i have changed..
my attitude and the way i speak..
last time i wont say bad words to people especially my friends
but now...i say it...tons of time..
i guess it can be help right..?
most people tend to say these bad words when their angry or upset..
sometimes it just slip from our tongue..
just like me..
there was once my friends kicked my school till outside the door..
i was angry obsviously..
i wanted to say what the heck!then suddenly it came out what the fuck!
he was so surprised and shocked..and straight away return my shoes..
i myself was shocked..
i didnt know how the word came out from my mouth...
what was i thinking!?
i kept saying sorry to him and say i didnt mean it..
then i always say bad words..
i dont know why i suddenly became like that..
maybe its because of me kept hearing my friends saying it and it spread to me like a virus..
then as for my attitude...
its weird though..
i wanted to be a better and good person..
but everytime i wanted to be good i became bad..
why is that?
me,myself also dont know why?
now i sometimes just cant get a grip of myself..
i played cards with my friends and i lose several times..
i got mad..there was like a huge fire behind me..
i guess its because i think its kinda no fair..
they got helpers and we dont..
i wanted to scold them..saying just let them played themselves la!something like that la..
but i didnt cause its kinda rude and bad to me..
my friends see my expression and they look kinda scared..
i wanted to changed to normal mode but i was full of rage..
its stupid right..
i was because of some cards game i loss several times..
so guys i just want to say this:
please forgive my for my behavior..
and hope that you can excuse me..
am really really sorry guys..
i will try my best to keep control of my mood,anger and etc..
also,please tell me if am being overreactive or bad..
so that i can know and change..
thanks ya..
and am really really sorry..
o also this is to the members of secret5recipe..
please please write something on our blog..
is like going to die and empty..
no offense k..
hope u guys do something about it!!

LE SPORTSAC

Afriad of the second time

A fool, I always said it to myself,
Eventually, I was just a doll,
To do what my master order...
Yesterday,LV told me that my x-best friend said that I already change my attitude,
Said that I have change to the attitude that she first met me,
First,i'm not so sure what LV saying,
I thought I heard wrong,
Then I request a second time for me to sure that I didn't heard wrong,
She repeat again,and added some word this time,for let me sure with myself,
I got shock,don't know what to said,
But I told to LV,there's some chances that we can be friend again,
But I didn't have faith on it again,
Not no again,but afriad to be again...
April,I have been told by my friend that she will accept me again,we did go out together,but a little bore too...haha...
I thought we just shame to talk to each other,but she told my friend what I do that day and also my unmanner...
Just because I don't want her to be shame,so I started myself,let the air around us to change a bit,
But turned out becoming my unmannerly...
What a shame,when I heard my friend said to me,
And my friend also said out some secret between them,
My friend said that actually she is been demand by her to seek on me,like a spy...what I have done,she will report to her,when I heard out,my tears are trying to fall out,
But my friend gave me her word,
She promise that she will not tell her something about me anymore,
And promise that she will not abondon me,
When first,I was like on the inter abyss...
But time has wash it away,
Now that LV told me about this,
Just I thought out,
Enough for me to care for now,
Don't let other to distract what is on your mind,
That's why I'm afriad to happy that what she had said,
Because I scare to have the second time,
Well,nevermind at all,
I just been told that I have change,
But not been told that we will be friend anymore,
I don't have to worried much now...
That's on my mind now...

Timberland