who to trust and believe?

in the past..the only people i ever trust are my frens or gang which i called
i always trusted them...i was a fool to trust them..
why do i get the feeling that they dont trust me last time..
now i know..some of them from the begining never trusted me with things..
i also realized that some of them never treated me or accepted me as their real friends..
i know that a long time a go..
but..i always encourage myself and to work harder to let them know that am a friend to be trusted and to believe in..
but till still some of them never treated me as their real friend..
why?why?they want to do this to me.?am i a nuisance?or an anoying person?
i dont know and dont care anymore want they think..
my first priority is my friends,family and GOD..
ever time when one of my friends are hurt..i will go and comfort them and pray for them..
when they need help am always their for them to help what they needed..
but do i get a thank you?appreciation for them.?
nothing...
the only time they say thank you to me is when i asked them..
they should know that they themself must say thank you..
then i know..i am just a tool to them..
a tool which help them or to fulfill they wishes..
am just a vassal a servant..obeying all the orders from my master...
is hurtful..is not fair and most of all..is WRONG!!
friends are not tools..their someone who to be trusted and to care for their friends
but..not everyone knows this..
now people are selfish..they only care for themselves..
some people are bias..they look up and want to make friends on higher level..or clever,rich..but they looked down on people who are lower class..
these people are incompetent fools to think and to looked down on people..
we should treat,care every human being either rich or poor..clever or dumb..fair..
but many people now are bias..
some of my past friends think like that and act like that last time
i know them so well..
but i still trust them and cling to them as if i need them to live...
i am an idiot to think like that..
there was once a gossip going around my school saying that i like a guy wh is my best friend since primary school..
yes i admit i like him..but the like i have between him is lke brother and sister love...
but they misunderstood..
i was scared to face him and to talk to him..all because of that stupid,garbage gossip by my so called most trusted friend from spbt gang..
i stopped going to the club..i always walk around alone...
my eyes were like a dead mans eye..my face expressionless..it was blank..
some of the people from spbt gang went to find me..
they asked me to go back to the club and asked why i dont want to go there anymore..
i told them that i was afraid to face him..and was their answer back..
they said nevermind la..just admit that you like him...
i was angry no...MAD at them..do they ever care about my feelings.?
no never..they only care about themselves..
holding all my anger and to calm down..i asked them why they want me back there?
they told me why..they said this..
is because 'he' scold them and nearly slap them and ask why they do this to me?
now there was fire at my back..i was more then mad now..
they want me back just so that he wont scold them anymore..that really tick me off..
they only think for themselves and not me..
even if am around them not even one of them notice me..
that happen last year..
in 2009..i was hoping that my relationship with them will be better,closer..
it has..but it only last for a short while..
this year i was hurt even more then last time..no i was a 100 times more painful..
i was abandoned by them..and the worst thing is that they didnt know..
there was a trip to gua tempurung last time..they were all happy..chatting and planning..but they didnt tell me anything about it..i was clueless..
ther was alot of people in our club..they were asking about who to invite to go to the trip..i was seating right in front of everyone..everyone talk here and their but even tough theres lots of people their i was alone..no one notice my presence..
when they ask who to invite..i want to say that i want to go..but i kept my mouth shout to see whether they notice me or remember me...
i waited..and the result is nothing..no one notice or invite me..
inside i was crying alot..i was hurt again and again..i asked to myself..have they hurt me enough..when will this pain stop..my eyes and my expression was blank..
i was a dead person..a zombie..
i was always and always alone..feeling lonely..
my heart was like been stabbed a million times..and there were still more waiting to stab me..
everytime i go home..i will cry till my eyes cant shed any tears..
that time i told myself that am nothing to them..just a tool..
every recesss time i will go down and sit on a bench and just be quiet..
cause no one notice me or care about me...
now the feeling of being lonely the pain all of it..are like a part of me now..
i was used to the pain now..but even though am used to it..inside the pain was very very hurtful...i was sad..i wanted to called for help but i kept for myself..that was my mistakes..a foolish one..i didnt told my parents about it cause i dont want them to scold those who abandoned me...i was foolish..
that time the meaning of friends vanished in my heart..it doesnt mean any to me anymore...
but now i was like been revived..i was alive again..and more importantly all the pain of lonely all of it just VANISHED!!i was really happy..i never felt like that for a very very long time...
this happens when i changed class and met some wonderful friends...
i couldnt have ask for a better friends like them..
those friends are the one and only members from secret5recipe..
thx for treating me as your best friend and a true one..and for caring me,trusting me,believing me and love me as your friend..
and also to 'him'...who also trust,believe,care,notice me and etc...
also to my cousin for encourage me and support me..my parents who love me and care..and most of all to GOD..for giving me and blessing me with these wonderful people to me life..
THX GUYS!!I LUV U!!

LE SPORTSAC